the path not taken

yesterday was a good day

2009-07-03T21:09:58Z

Yesterday was pretty good. We drove to Greensboro and spent time with Kcat. LA was going down for her nap, so we only said hello to her briefly. It was nice to sit around and hang out with Kcat. I really miss spending time with her.

After that we had dinner with Ashley, Austin and Boots. It was amazing. It was a really novel experience to be invited to someone's house for dinner and be able to eat everything. I felt like a normal person, which was AWESOME. And the food was... divine. Ashley is a damn good cook, let me tell you. We hung out and played the Wii and talked. We had a pretty awesome group dynmaic going. I think Austin is probably the only guy I know who could have been the only guy in a room with five women and been fine. And it was of course amazing to hang out with Boots. I miss her too.

And then, there was game night. When we first got there it was really exciting. Winston, Jeffrey, CF Daniel and regular Daniel were there. They all ran off shortly therafter, which sucked. Then of course there were broken computers, which I attempted to fix. Oh, and the general obnoxious noobs. But they ran away after I started pwning. Unreal was a lot of fun. Ri and Micah and I really fought it out. I tried to play Desert Storm with Zac, but it was he, I, Micah, and some new kids against the AI Nazis of doom (who were set on ungodly. there were swarms of them to our little team). That didn't last long before I got a huge headache. And then, we drove home.

thoughts from the doctor's office

2009-06-29T15:53:02Z

Sitting in the doctor's office waiting my turn. I'm doing my best not to worry or be nervous about the procedure.

I have my international studies final tomorrow and my response paper on my presentation topic (genocide).
I find myself highly unmotivated in general. I'm not sure why that is. Maybe it's the constant dreaming of hell; falling asleep to enter a world where I'm trapped again under the thumb of /him/. Maybe its depression; a new mutation of that old companion. I don't feel sad, just listless.

The news is on in here; it's driving me nuts.It's some show where people are calling in and I am apalled at the ignorance of my countrymen and women. China does not control N Korea. The census is not run by criminals, and they do not care what time you go to work. I wonder how we have such stupid representatives. Clearly, they were smarter than the idiot voters who elected them.

update

2009-06-16T04:08:32Z

So after an ultrasound and lots of other tests, everything is "normal", whatever that means. It sure as hell doesn't mean I feel any better. They're going to stick a camera down my throat next. To be honest, I think it's bc my scoliosis has come back. But we'll see what the specialist says. Thanks for all your love and support. You guys are the best.

state of maya

2009-06-08T01:57:58Z

I've been really sick for an entire week now. I went to the er at the start of it but they didn't really know. I thought it might go away, but it didn't.

I don't know. I'm just so miserable I want to cry. Going to make a dr's appt tomorrow I guess. I just lack the motivation to do anything. The pain and nausea are just too much. I read your entries and love you all and will comment individually when this invisible corset of pain and swelling is looser.

girlwithagun @ 2009-05-18T14:08:00

2009-05-18T18:09:17Z

Happy Birthday Kharma!!

rinse, repeat.

2009-05-13T12:47:10Z

We're in the er again. More as I know.

*edit* ri blacked out in the shower and hit her head.
they're running tests. Still don't know much. Just trying to stay awake and not think about breakfast.

*edit2* turns out it was just dehydration and a vagal reaction; nothing serious.

good news

2009-05-10T15:04:33Z

Ri has been discharged and is on her way home. I'm grateful for all the people who showed their love and concern. This situation has definitely taught me who our real friends are, with some pretty surprising results. So big huge love to all my facebook ladies for caring so much. You guys are the best!

and on a completely random note, I hate the way gmail manages emails from LJ... I keep losing comments. X_X and although I can find the ones on my journal, the ones I made to other people and their replies keep going missing. argh.

today was a good day

2009-05-03T06:09:01Z

All in all, it was a pretty good birthday. It was way better than last year for so many reasons.

There were so many people who sent birthday wishes. I definitely felt the love. Thanks guys. :) Mom surprised me by coming over with a wonderful soft snuggly present, lots of cards (some even with money!) and tasty good gluten free food. So I totally had pizza for dinner. And Ri is making me a yummy gluten free cake. I spent most of the day playing Dynasty Warriors and relaxing. It was slightly irresponsible of me as I still have lots of work to do for final projects - and that will take up all of tomorrow, but I really enjoyed it.

in hindsight, everything is simple

2009-04-26T03:40:04Z

In my hate of solo networking administration, I completely forgot how much I actually love simple tech work. Anything that involvs quiet time with circuitry and a screwdriver is something I enjoy on a very deep level. Digital anything is the equivalent of modern magic; everyone's life depends on it for comfort - but no-one knows what makes it work. It's pretty cool to come in with your magic wand (magnetic screwdriver) and box of tools and raise the dead. It's a lot of fun actually. Today I rescued a laptop. My first, I might add. It was totally nerve-wracking, for my feeling that no matter what, I could not screw up. Today I completely disassembled an entire laptop and re lubed and seated the processor and heat-sinks. Now that it's over - I'm pretty stoked about it. I totally wore my Starbuck dog tags for luck. Yes, I am an unrepentant nerd.

Also, I've been thinking the problem is I keep ranting about what I don't want; filling the universe with ideas of the problem. Instead I should be raving about what I do want - filling the universe with images of the dream.

this isn't SNL; it's not even Saturday

2009-04-23T05:31:28Z

I've been growing more and more disheartened lately with people, especially so called friends, failing to take me seriously. As someone who tends to make serious art about very serious world issues, this really irks me. If you think it annoys me when you refuse to use my name, not taking my art seriously should make you glad you no longer hang out at my house and it is no longer full of airsoft guns.

Humour is well and good and certainly has it's place, but I think a key part of growing up is realizing when that is. I think we outgrew lame sexual innuendos in middle school, folks.

It also bothers me how many people ignore the things that make me tick. I don't need people in my life who fit the role of bad guys (parents who abandon children, drug addicts, pedophiles, polluters, eco-criminals, hypocrites, etc). And anyone who expects me to befriend someone who fits that role just because they like someone is an insensitive jerk who I also don't need.

I find myself constantly bitching about the quality of people who call themselves my friends. And everyone seems to think it applies to anyone but them. The hints stop here. If you find yourself removed from my friend's list suddenly, if you notice I've stopped talking to you, if you wonder why every time I'm in town I don't see you - this is why. I think you're a waste of my time and I'm through wasting anything.

today is my day

2009-04-06T15:30:43Z

Hanging out with Paige and we saw a bunch of ladybugs. Then I found a penny. And after crit was over, we both found four leaf clovers at the same time. Well, actually, mine is a five leaf so even better! Today is totally my day; I can feel it. I should buy a lottery ticket.

it's better this way

2009-04-05T04:51:59Z

As this semester draws to an end, I have to think it's been one of the best. I think sometimes we are so invested in the idea of a person's potential that we are blinded to the suffering they cause us. And if you've ever felt the unfettered freedom of letting go of a toxic companion, you can begin to imagine how blissful letting go of two at once has been.

Not having devin around has changed the energy in the house so much that it's amazing. Living with someone who refuses to shield and projects their depression with a psychic megaphone is so... draining. Not having to constantly reassure him of his worth or try to bandage his wounded psyche leads me to realize how hard it was. For the first time in years I am a pleasant and mostly happy person on a regular basis.

Not having laidene around is much the same. I was always so focused on the things she brought into my life that I really overlooked what a dramatic and stressful person she is. Not having to reassure her of her own intelligence, not putting up with her temper tantrums and energy dramas, and most of all, not having to counsel her about her endless family drama makes me realize how much energy it took to be her friend. I'm so relieved to not have someone trying to compete with me on a daily basis; I can do things at my best and not limit myself to save her feelings.

I was so enamoured with the idea of them both that I never really realized how toxic they both were. My home is peaceful and drama free. My life is so much simpler. And if this means I don't have anyone to hang out with, don't have any chill buddies and am left eating rice and edibles from the yard; it's worth it. Absolutely and unquestionably. The physical relief of not being drained incessantly is worth it on it's own. I only hope that they each are as happy as I am and find this kind of fufillment in their lives. It's not their fault that I wanted them to be as amazing as I know they can be. It was my expectation. And sometimes you just have to realize a relationship isn't meant to be, and let it go. Wherever you two are, I hope your life is as happy as mine, if not more.

I too will fly away

2009-04-03T07:07:49Z

I lack the words to express this feeling... so I'll borrow some of Moby's.

One of these mornings
Won't be very long
You will look for me
And I'll be gone

a funeral for trees: photos

2009-03-25T16:17:18Z

every thing went well. nature was definitely on my side. the overcast skies were perfect to set the mood, and my chosen trees still have yet to bud! it was freaking awesome. anyways, I think if you read the fliers I made you will understand what I was doing. wish you could see it...

I hope to take this to Gsbo this summer, and all over the place really. so if you know anyone with a property near some recent clear-cutting who wouldn't mind having their trees dressed, I'd love to know!

**edit** Oh, speaking of which, does anyone know a member of the uu church on the corner of hilltop and guilford college? I would love to put these up because of the bank they just put in there. I'd be super grateful to anyone who could put me in touch with them.

state of the maya

2009-03-24T22:56:41Z

went to advising day today... which was weird... but good. I had no idea what I was taking when I went in there... and wound up spending an hour and a half talking to Mary, Heather and Malena. but three faculty members later, I'm pretty frakking excited. I'm taking a directed study in Fibers with Mary (since after the class I'm currently enrolled in, I have one more class and then I would be done with Fibers). I'm taking contemporary Art History... and hopefully *crosses fingers* I will get permission from Jeff to take Digital Media II even though the first part of class conflicts with Japanese 6 (and be done with the language classes except my independent study... HOORAY!). I have eight art classes, four general ed requirements, and then two classes to complete my minors and I will be DONE. so like... three semesters. word!

And now I have to make an information brochure to accompany my installation tomorrow morning. I'm holding a funeral for some clear-cut forest near the university by dressing their friends and family in funeral clothes. I'm so excited! hooray trees. :D

over and out.

say it's not so

2009-03-21T17:36:00Z

I can't seem to stop crying. On the one hand I'm really happy with how it ended. I love the philisophical implications of it all. But I can't get over the loss of my family. It breaks my heart that "mom" is dead and "dad" has to soldier on without her. But most of all, I ache for Lee, left all alone. I know Kara couldn't have ended any other way but I wanted so badly for there to be little Kara's and Lee's... wanted there to be a vaguely happy ending just for once. I wanted Hera to play with baby Adamas, to see Sharon and Kara raise their kids together. Its selfish I'm sure, but it breaks off little pieces of me to always be deeply connected to the lone ranger. I think the end would have been easier for me to deal with. I have a giant hole in my heart and don't know how to deal with it.

Spam... but good spam!

2009-02-20T21:28:16Z

Hey everybody, guess what?!?!?

I have a piece in the student juried show here on campus. It runs from 2/25 to 3/29 in the main gallery in Rowe Arts at UNCC. I would love for any and all of you to come see it. If everybody wants to come on one day, maybe we could all have dinner together or something!!!!

Photospam of new work :)

2009-02-12T00:11:44Z

I'm lazy... and since I had to upload them all someplace to share with people on other services... here's a link to pictures:

linky link

a little like latin

2009-02-11T17:14:07Z

Just got out of crit for my project... It was very anti-climactic really. I don't know how many people got it or tried too. The few who actually spent time looking at it didn't say anything. The only person who did was awesome in her observations, and I'm greatful to her, but I really wish I had gotten more feedback.

This means later, when I post pics here, I expect some feedback from you guys.

girlwithagun @ 2009-02-09T13:25:00

2009-02-09T18:27:43Z

I am pissed.
I am pissed because of attachments.
attachments are the problem.
if I can't deal with it, I should walk away from it.

polyamorous versus polysexual

2009-02-07T02:36:52Z

I think a lot of people call themselves poly... which is a very honest thing. It's when people call themselves polyamorous that the problem arises. What most people seem to mean by that is that they are in relationships with multiple individuals where everyone knows about every one else and accepts it. So far so good. However, most people take the word relationship to mean a sexual relationship... which is crap because Merriam Webster says:

relationship
One entry found.

Function:
noun
Date:
1741

1: the state of being related or interrelated (studied relationship between the variables) 2: the relation connecting or binding participants in a relationship: as a: kinship b: a specific instance or type of kinship 3 a: a state of affairs existing between those having relations or dealings (had a good relationship with his family) b: a romantic or passionate attachment

Granted there is that pesky 3b entry... but that's leaving out 1, 2, and 3a.

I digress. The point is... I maybe the issue that arises with a lot of people in my life is the failure to understand the true meaning of polyamory. I think the conflict arises when I fail to disclose that I am polyamorous... because I don't wish to be taken for polysexual. I don't have multiple sexual/romantic relationships (anymore). But there are certain individuals in my life that will always hold first place. They are mine. I am theirs. There is no sex, no romance. Those would be inappropriate and damaging to our relationships. But these people will be with me. Always. It's just like an open relationship... but ours is intimate in heart, soul and mind... and not body. And they all know who each other are and have relationships of their own with each other. And the more I think about it like that... I feel silly for not realizing it looks just like polyamory... because it is. It's just not polysexual... or polyromantic... or whatever.

I kid you not

2009-01-29T20:46:19Z

TWC rep: You're going to have to swap out the cable box yourself or have a technician come out.
Ri: Ok, send a technician.
TWC rep: Oh, well, that won't be until tomorrow.
Ri: Are you kidding me?
TWC rep: We don't have anything.
Ri: What the hell am I paying you for?
TWC rep: silence.

Seriously. So in the spirit of Office Space, I hereby open this post for bashing of Time Warner Cable. I know you guys hate their bullshit as much as I do. And I bet if there was another cable provider available, you'd all switch with me. So let's hear your tales of woe. Maybe if we make enough noise, they'll pay attention.

and stuff

2008-12-27T10:25:52Z

sorry I haven't replied to anyone's comments - I've been posting from my crackberry, which doesn't handle comments quite as well. but I got my computer hooked up here... so eventually I will get around to replying.

had a good time tonight. got to see my best friend, smash some technology, swing on the world's biggest swing and cuddle. all very good things. I miss my my Jpster. and the world's most adorable gay boy told me I was the cutest thing ever. this totally boosted my self esteem way more than if a straight boy had said it. ^_^ I am such a fag hag. heh.

in the sad news, I had to beg some hydrogen peroxide for my kitty. he's been bitten on the cheek and one of the bites is very badly infected. fun stuff. of course, I being a paranoid cat mother neglected to observe any sort of precautions (like gloves) when treating said wound. hopefully we can get him to the vet or something. my poor boy. I don't have anything with me except band aids, so right now he looks like the cutest goth kitty ever.

pictures and videos possibly to come.

empire. open til midnight.

2008-12-24T09:09:23Z

"Help me. Help me. Help me. Oh god!"

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programing.

stuff

2008-12-17T04:39:57Z

The net is now off.

Fyi - will be home for the holidays. I'd love to see you guys, so get in touch or sumpin.