| learn to love |
[September 28, 2009] |
| [ |
mood |
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 enlightened |
] |
In searching for the Tibetan script for a Tara mantra, I came across a profoundly disturbing website. It was filled with image after image of Tara, her mantras, etc. And it was dedicated solely to the praise and pursuit of anorexia. My first reaction was anger; how dare anyone use her name in such profanity. Then I felt sadness, for if anyone needs Tara it is this young woman. Both were my monkey brain trying to distract me from the truth. If anyone needs Tara, it is me.
Being drawn to Tara is not a sign of praise, it is a sign of desperately needing help. Those of us who are called to her are not good people. We posses a secret self hatred that drives us to create our own suffering in the most literal of ways. We cut, we starve, we pick, we binge, we purge. Tara is the Bodhisattva of curing self-hatred. (That is not to say that you must be these things to be called by her; she is a saviouress of many other things too.) Like Christ, she comes not for those good souls, but for we damned. She has set herself the impossible task of saving all women, and so she must stop that horrible sickness so common in women; the belief that we are bad beings, deserving of punishment, that we must force ourselves to be prefect.
Somewhere we forgot that, as women, we are each representations of the goddess, life-givers incarnate. We are each sacred in our own, as varied as the goddesses mankind has worshiped over time. We are not all Venus, nor should we try to be. Even the Romans knew that.
Modernity has taught us that we are flawed, removed from perfection and divinity; that we must be tamed, corseted and tied in order to be worthy of worship. But all this does is obscure the truth. In seeking false perfection, we betray ourselves and our sisters. What begins as hatred of self is projected outward. We learn to hate other women for the perfection they have that we do not. We all wander around brimming with jealousy and hatred of ourselves, of each other. Our daughters inherit our prejudice, they learn our private rituals of debasement. An entire generation of women are raised in perpetuation of this banality. We no longer need men to vilify, devalue or abuse us, we do this to ourselves.
This is why feminism has failed. We will never have equality until we can uplift each other. We will never be respected until we respect ourselves. Until our sons and brothers see us as strong, as beautiful, until we have regained our place as daughters of the goddess, we will still see our sisters suffering unspeakable things. Their burden is ours.
Tara comes to us to teach us to love again, to love ourselves, to love our sisters. We broken vessels are her emissaries; if we can learn to love ourselves, every woman can. Think of her when the urge to cut is strong, when you want to harm yourself so bad it hurts. Say her name, her mantra, cry out. She will make you strong. She will make me strong. Let today be the last day we rejoice in our own suffering, let today be the first day we save ourselves.
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| reality is a cult of illusion |
[September 01, 2009] |
| [ |
mood |
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 enlightened |
] |
Look around you. Take a good look. Do you see someone you dislike, perhaps a stereotype of another society, one faction of a social group pitted against yours? It's easy to think you're enlightened, that you are an American, that you come from the most-forward thinking country on the planet, and are therefore on the front lines of tolerance in society. But that, my friend, is one giant lie told to you by your monkey brain to excuse the other things you say.
How many times have I heard a white person look around the room and then confide to his friends that though he is not a racist, that he is sick of white people being mistreated and accused of racism, that he is denied work in favour of affirmative action, that his life is so terrible because of everything the black people receive. Or the mexicans, because of course, they are the "new black." A really clever monkey brain will tell you that it is illegal immigrants who do all of this, not just one specific race or culture. Those of us who are smart enough to recognize these views as the hatred that they are also tend to think that if we aren't guilty of these... that we aren't guilty at all. Not so, our monkey brains are just more clever.
Look closer at yourself, you will find them. Are you a member of a subculture? Are you a geek, hippy, stoner, raver, goth, punk, emo, nerd, musician, artist, circus performer, freak? Do you identify with the odd, the uncanny, and generally everything disliked by mainstream society like the number 13, Halloween, black cats and witches? Are you a witch? Are you a Pagan? Do you actively seek to undermine the man? Do you hate those who represent his ways? Do middle class, blonde, tanned, perfect, hollywood, conservative, consumerist, capitalist, people piss you off? Did you hate cheerleaders in high school? Listen to yourself. When you go out in public, do you view these people the way you always did? Do you see it as us versus them? You are racist too. You hold hatred for a culture, for your fellow human beings. You spread anger, fear, hatred and misery in the world. Especially those of you enlightened enough to hear what I'm saying. If you pray, meditate, do yoga, or any other sort of esoteric process, you are more damaging to the world than a flock of racists when you have hatred in your heart. Your thoughts influence the world more strongly because you practice that.
When you walk out into the world with hatred, with the idea that someone else is making your life miserable, dragging you under, tearing you down... you are making it so. You are programming the universe to listen to your expectations. You are sending energy to your adversaries, emboldening them to attack you more. You are filling the world around you with negative energy and attracting very ugly things to you, no matter how noble you perceive your struggle to be.
Do you want a better life? Do you want to live in a better world? Do you pay lip service to world peace? Then get off your ass and do something about it. Go out in the world tomorrow and LOVE. Love every human being you come across, no matter what their culture, social status, career, appearance, anything. Pretend they are all your friends. Watch what happens.
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| shades of Miss Neicy Nash |
[August 30, 2009] |
| [ |
mood |
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 pleased |
] |
we drove to Greensboro last night to pick up my check. had a little bit of family time and watched the cutest show - CTRL. (thought it did bother me the whole time that he was on a mac keyboard.)
we wound up hanging out with A2 and Kcat, which was simply awesome. it's always funny, in the end, who your closest friends turn out to be. and yet, it feels pretty perfect. I don't think I've ever found such an easy pace in a group of friends. it's always so novel to spend time together. we do the simplest mundane things, but they are always accompanied by wonderful conversation and an amazing energy flow. it's just so comfortable. I'm very thankful to be friends with them, I'd hate to miss our wonderful time together. in a perfect world, we could all be neighbours and do this more often.
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| tao and zen |
[August 27, 2009] |
| [ |
mood |
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amused |
] |
today's thought:
if you can't understand it, get up and walk around it.
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| on love |
[August 19, 2009] |
| [ |
mood |
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 thoughtful |
] |
"Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence." - H.L. Mencken
I found this posted on facebook today, it was one of my friend's fortune cookies. It struck me as incredibly profound and wonderfully true, and very important. I've been thinking lately about what I learned from reading Herman Hesse's Siddhartha. What I took away from that book was that Buddha found enlightenment in the river. Which, aside from the Taoist thoughts I have about that particular detail, means that he found enlightenment in the middle path. He left both hedonism and asceticism to find his balance - in nature. I have interpreted this to mean, that there is a way to live life in harmony - in the middle path. What does this mean? What does this have to do with love?
Love is like food, sex, intoxicants, magic, relationships, etc. We glorify and define it along societal standards that tell us what love is, where we will find it and whom it will be with. All of these expectations are attachments to the constructed idea of love. And the post-modern American love at that. Remember, this is not Chinese love or medieval Gothic love or even Greek heroic love. It is NOT love at all, but rather an idea of what we think it should be. This is our imagination taking over reality and supplanting the truth with hurtful fantasies that we are addicted to. This is our imagination triumphing over our mind and reason. It is another sick generation of the monkey brain.
Does this mean we can't have love without also suffering? I don't think so. I think the issue is real love - compassion and caring for another human being while also being in full knowledge of them, especially their perceived flaws. As long as we truly see the people in our lives for who they are, as long as we don't expect them to live up to some Hollywood standard, we can have healthy productive relationships. But when we project those desires and demands for imaginary perfection onto another person, we hurt them. We hurt ourselves. They rebel, (and wouldn't we all) and then we get hurt and angry and lash out at them for failing to fulfill our expectations. True love is unconditional, without demands. It just is.
To attain a stable relationship, to have peace in love, we must be willing to work for the truth. We must see our loved ones as they truly are, and accept them for that. If we cannot do it - then we don't really love them. We just think we do.
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[August 04, 2009] |
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mood |
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 determined |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Hows It Going To Be - Third Eye Blind |
] |
I go through these places in my life that I like to call "cocoon phases." I feel like I'm waiting for something, stuck in limbo, on the edge of becoming something else, but not entirely sure what. I think it's taken me so long to realize it this time because I'm pretty aware of what the transformation is going to be. It's kind of... strange. I feel pretty detached from a lot of thing; my inner vision of the future is so clear that I really can't be bothered to care about things that aren't in that image. It may sound cold and unfeeling, but honestly it's a very soothing place to be. Sometimes I slip out of it, into instant anxiety and frustration. I've found looking at the after picture of my cocoon phase makes it better.
In sad news, my work was apparently left out of the magazine that the entire fucking rest of my area is in. Mary said we'll talk to the editor and figure out why. I can't help but feel disappointed and left out. Our program was featured in a national magazine's spotlight on education... and I'm a blip in the blub... some photo credits for my friends' work. X_X I know my piece was politically charged, but it seems pretty unfair for them to arbitrarily exclude me like that. And to think I was going to buy one to show Mom and Grams. ;_; Bah.
Had a lovely trip to the museum today. Those places are like church for me. And of course, I found the one Kwan-yin in the whole building. ^_^ I'm trying to take it as a gentle nod from the Universe... "sorry you didn't get published, but hang in there, you are in the right place and on the right track."
My spine... makes everything else hurt. My stomach, my ribs, my head... *sigh* I dream of days without pain. For now, back to packing.
Oh, and since everyone is on facebook these days, are you? I'm under Maya Preisler. look me up!
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| new habits and old ideas |
[July 29, 2009] |
| [ |
mood |
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amused |
] |
I finally gave into the lure of The Secret of Shambala and read it in one day. It was entirely perfect for my present; it tied together all the loose ends of insights I had been acquiring through outside sources. Reminding myself to follow coincidences has led to me reading a very interesting book, The Tao for Health and Longevity. It completes the picture even more-so than before. Sometimes I think the Universe must be incredibly frustrated with me for being so dense. It's only taken me over ten years to actually physically engage in Taoist practice. I swear, I can hear the "Nya Nya" that follows such a cosmic boot to the head (listen and learn)
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| pertinent lyrics |
[July 21, 2009] |
| [ |
mood |
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 awake |
] |
In come the vultures
Through dusty air
To take you down and
Tear the ribbons from your hair.
In come the songbirds
With bitter melodies
To sever all your heartstrings
As they light upon the trees.
This place can sometimes be so ugly.
This place can sometimes be so strange.
In come the blackbirds
In murders and in droves
To cover you in shadow
As they clean you to the bone.
Here I come, a firebird
Don't offer up your sorrow
Today you see me crash and burn
But I'll be back tomorrow.
This place can sometimes be so perfect.
This place can sometimes be your cage.
This place can sometimes be so beautiful.
This place will always be so strange.
this song describes "home" (greensboro/jamestown) better than I ever could - and the video too. it's also severely triggering (just like home, go figure)... so don't watch if you don't want to think about suicide right now.
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| from grouchville |
[July 18, 2009] |
| [ |
mood |
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 sick |
] |
I want to cut my stomach out and stomp on it. it's impossible to be motivated to do anything when I feel this miserable. I keep telling myself I can't throw up because there's not enough water. that and it won't make it any better. my stomach is not really listening. bah.
of course my skin is freaking out from the pitiful washings that no running water means. I'm out of clean clothing that isn't club wear/dressyish.
boy, I'm just one giant ball of sunshine. yuck.
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| self honesty |
[July 13, 2009] |
| [ |
mood |
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 contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Brainbug - Nightmare |
] |
I think maybe the real reason I live like a nun is not that I value my freedom and privacy (though very true) but secretly, it is self preservation. In addition to being impervious to needles, I have a bad guy fetishdetector. If you ever find yourself needing to find a villian, bring me along. He'll be the one I can't take my eyes off of.
this is what happens when new friends make you watch youtube videos. you can have profound personal realizations.
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| yesterday was a good day |
[July 03, 2009] |
| [ |
mood |
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 blank |
] |
| [ |
music |
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VNV Nation - Descent |
] |
Yesterday was pretty good. We drove to Greensboro and spent time with Kcat. LA was going down for her nap, so we only said hello to her briefly. It was nice to sit around and hang out with Kcat. I really miss spending time with her.
After that we had dinner with Ashley, Austin and Boots. It was amazing. It was a really novel experience to be invited to someone's house for dinner and be able to eat everything. I felt like a normal person, which was AWESOME. And the food was... divine. Ashley is a damn good cook, let me tell you. We hung out and played the Wii and talked. We had a pretty awesome group dynmaic going. I think Austin is probably the only guy I know who could have been the only guy in a room with five women and been fine. And it was of course amazing to hang out with Boots. I miss her too.
And then, there was game night. When we first got there it was really exciting. Winston, Jeffrey, CF Daniel and regular Daniel were there. They all ran off shortly therafter, which sucked. Then of course there were broken computers, which I attempted to fix. Oh, and the general obnoxious noobs. But they ran away after I started pwning. Unreal was a lot of fun. Ri and Micah and I really fought it out. I tried to play Desert Storm with Zac, but it was he, I, Micah, and some new kids against the AI Nazis of doom (who were set on ungodly. there were swarms of them to our little team). That didn't last long before I got a huge headache. And then, we drove home.
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| thoughts from the doctor's office |
[June 29, 2009] |
| [ |
music |
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the rambling of idiots |
] |
Sitting in the doctor's office waiting my turn. I'm doing my best not to worry or be nervous about the procedure.
I have my international studies final tomorrow and my response paper on my presentation topic (genocide).
I find myself highly unmotivated in general. I'm not sure why that is. Maybe it's the constant dreaming of hell; falling asleep to enter a world where I'm trapped again under the thumb of /him/. Maybe its depression; a new mutation of that old companion. I don't feel sad, just listless.
The news is on in here; it's driving me nuts.It's some show where people are calling in and I am apalled at the ignorance of my countrymen and women. China does not control N Korea. The census is not run by criminals, and they do not care what time you go to work. I wonder how we have such stupid representatives. Clearly, they were smarter than the idiot voters who elected them.
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| update |
[June 16, 2009] |
| [ |
mood |
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 disappointed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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wwe raw |
] |
So after an ultrasound and lots of other tests, everything is "normal", whatever that means. It sure as hell doesn't mean I feel any better. They're going to stick a camera down my throat next. To be honest, I think it's bc my scoliosis has come back. But we'll see what the specialist says. Thanks for all your love and support. You guys are the best.
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| state of maya |
[June 08, 2009] |
| [ |
mood |
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sick |
] |
I've been really sick for an entire week now. I went to the er at the start of it but they didn't really know. I thought it might go away, but it didn't.
I don't know. I'm just so miserable I want to cry. Going to make a dr's appt tomorrow I guess. I just lack the motivation to do anything. The pain and nausea are just too much. I read your entries and love you all and will comment individually when this invisible corset of pain and swelling is looser.
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[May 18, 2009] |
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Happy Birthday Kharma!!
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| rinse, repeat. |
[May 13, 2009] |
| [ |
mood |
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 hungry |
] |
We're in the er again. More as I know.
*edit* ri blacked out in the shower and hit her head.
they're running tests. Still don't know much. Just trying to stay awake and not think about breakfast.
*edit2* turns out it was just dehydration and a vagal reaction; nothing serious.
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| good news |
[May 10, 2009] |
| [ |
mood |
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blank |
] |
Ri has been discharged and is on her way home. I'm grateful for all the people who showed their love and concern. This situation has definitely taught me who our real friends are, with some pretty surprising results. So big huge love to all my facebook ladies for caring so much. You guys are the best!
and on a completely random note, I hate the way gmail manages emails from LJ... I keep losing comments. X_X and although I can find the ones on my journal, the ones I made to other people and their replies keep going missing. argh.
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| today was a good day |
[May 03, 2009] |
| [ |
mood |
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grateful |
] |
All in all, it was a pretty good birthday. It was way better than last year for so many reasons.
There were so many people who sent birthday wishes. I definitely felt the love. Thanks guys. :) Mom surprised me by coming over with a wonderful soft snuggly present, lots of cards (some even with money!) and tasty good gluten free food. So I totally had pizza for dinner. And Ri is making me a yummy gluten free cake. I spent most of the day playing Dynasty Warriors and relaxing. It was slightly irresponsible of me as I still have lots of work to do for final projects - and that will take up all of tomorrow, but I really enjoyed it.
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