?

Log in

the path not taken [entries|friends|calendar]
Maya Preisler

[ website | My Deviant Art ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

Compassion Mind: Being in the Love [14 Mar 2012|05:06pm]
[ mood | in the love ]

For awhile now, the universe has been sending messages my way about "being in the love." And while it sounds like the simplest response to a multitude of questions I ask, it has been deceptively difficult. Until today. This morning I woke up half an hour late to discover that my phone had died. Hence, no alarm. Once it was on I discovered that I needed to be at my destination half an hour early - which meant I had about ten minutes to finish getting ready - nowhere near enough time to do yoga or meditate. Normally this might cause me to feel in a bit of a funk and expect the day to not go well. Instead I promised to do yoga earlier and as for the meditation - well, I would try to be mindful every moment and not just while sitting on my floor.

I can't say that I managed to be as zen as I set out to be - but somehow I did manage to stay in the love. And amazing things happened. I felt bad just low in energy, so I donned my sunglasses, went outside, and picked a tree. And I sat there, peacefully, enjoying the beautiful day. Soon some honey bees appeared in the flowers near me. Being a fan of honey, and decently informed about bees and their importance, I concentrated on the bee and thought about how grateful I was for his presence and how much love I had for him at that moment. After collecting his nectar he paused to buzz by my head for a few seconds before zipping off. A second bee appeared and we repeated our dance. It was a wonderfully magical experience.

Then my three year old niece appeared and began to ask me questions about what I was doing and why I was sitting with a tree. And just as I had chose to love the bees, I chose to love her questions. We talked about spring and nature and types of trees, and where fruit came from - which was pretty amazing. Then we spotted two spiders in a beautiful web inches from my head which allowed us both to see them up close. Being a spider woman myself, I was blessed to hear my girl say, "Hi Spider. Hehhe, they're so cute! I think that one's a little girl like me!" And then, I got to watch her play hide and seek with the faeries.

Later, when my niece was tired, and not being a good listener - I as again presented with the opportunity to choose love. She was running around, giggling, and wearing grandma's patience thin. I felt myself feeling impatient and wondered what exactly I could do - punishing her wasn't going to work. So I firmly told her that it was nap time - and that she would need to practice before school. She could choose to lie on the couch alone and angry, or come and cuddle with me, but she had to lie there. We struggled for ten minutes, her wiggling, me loving - and talking softly every time I told her to be still. Finally I wrapped her in a giant hug, curled up behind her and deliberately bathed her in love. I focused on how much I love her and how safe and comfortable she was. And then the yawning began. Soon enough, the wiggle monster had disappeared to be replaced by a sleeping angel.

The ride home was just as magical. When a slow car was in front of me I focused on loving them, and choosing it over the annoyance and anger I would normally feel. They shortly turned and everything went perfectly well. Other people used their turn signals, lights were green for me, and I didn't have to wait to turn. The world was a stunning landscape bathed in light and I was traveling through endless beauty. And somewhere along the way I realized I was having a WONDERFUL day. I could fill the screen with adjectives - or simply say I was in love.

Yes, you might say my results were simple things - but I was happy - and the world around me flowed perfectly, and I in it. And as a result - things worked perfectly for me. I realized and recognized that I was choosing love each time I was faced with a choice - and brushed away negative thoughts by focusing on love and beauty. For a day that started with the potential for disaster - the sort of day where everything goes wrong - my simple intention to live mindfully led me to find a wonderful day and be conscious of choosing it. All I had to do was be mindful - and stay in the love. Simple, right? Hopefully it is now that I know the way.

2 comments|post comment

Why Pagans and Buddhists Should play Roleplaying Games [05 Mar 2012|05:56am]
[ mood | nerdy ]

Every experience in life presents us with an opportunity to learn a lesson. Repetition, ironically, provides us both with a vehicle for learning lessons but conversely creating patterns, habits, and modes of responding to situations which are repeated unconsciously. In many cases we already know who we are and how we respond to things - and so many lessons in life are repeated in a seemingly endless cycle because of our unwillingness to change the patterns that we have defined as our personalities and selves.

This is where true roleplaying begins. Learning to truly roleplay means to let go of the personalities and identities we see as ourselves and becoming someone else. If you can engage your child personality fully in the act of play and embrace your character, you are in a very real way, consciously choosing an incarnation in which to learn karma and life lessons that you as an individual are resistant to learning.

This tool works best when you are a fully engaged player and are blessed with a fully engaged storyteller and rp group. As with thought forms, astral constructs, and other "advanced" forms of magical creation, group effort produces the most intense effects. There are a couple of reasons for this. From a magical perspective - more people = more energy = more "concrete" construction. Society is an excellent example of this principle at work. From a scientific perspective, there is a point of mathematical "critical mass" that defines the point at which reality is altered by the belief of people. This number is always the same in relation to the population at large. Thus, when a small group of people are present, their collective belief system alters their immediate reality. Ergo, get a bunch of people together who create a communal reality - and you wind up with a very complicated, intricate, and large world (or worlds) - that is also very REAL.

Another means of allowing roleplaying to work most effectively for you is to grow to the point of creating a character who seems least like yourself. This allows for surprisingly new perspectives on life - and profound spiritual realizations. My admittedly favourite character at present is one that I still marvel at playing. She is many things I thought I would never play - but I have learned incredible life lessons from her. As my spiritual journey informed the perspectives from which I approached her life trauma - her amazing growth in response (which also makes her the thing I never thought I would do) has informed my spiritual growth in return - intertwining our karma. This is due to the degree to which I have allowed myself to step outside of who I am and what I do - and experience situations from radically new perspectives. In playing her I allow myself to fully experience "crazy" - which is perhaps her ultimate gift to me in terms of mental shift. By completely shedding myself of cultural boundaries and definitions and disregarding the concept of "crazy" I have found the freedom of my authentic self.

So how do you reach the point where your roleplaying character teaches you karmic lessons that you were ignoring for years? Play. Play. Play. Play until you fall back into make believe again - and find a troupe of friends who make believe with you. Better yet, find a game everyone enjoys, and bring your whole spiritual group into it. Incarnating as alternative selves with the people you attend ritual with speeds your development as a group - and alters social relationships to the point where people can more easily overcome shared karma and learn shared lessons. That is what breeds healthy and strong spiritual groups - and honestly, makes the most amazing games.

And then go lose yourself in someone you never once imagined yourself to be - and give yourself the freedom to change.

2 comments|post comment

lessons learned in space [20 Apr 2011|06:37pm]
In the end, Starbuck always winds up alone.
4 comments|post comment

the challenge [06 Mar 2010|11:53pm]
[ mood | determined ]

No-one wants to be special anymore. Only the truly naive beg to be special, and even then it's their kind of special - chosen one, fairy tale princess, supremely powerful witch - a one-sided childhood fantasy of magically having everything we've ever wanted without having to do anything for it but wait for it to happen because we are... special. And so the wisest among us wrap ourselves in Copernican theory. We're so far removed from the center of the universe that we think we are a freak accident of cosmic chaos, a temporary and meaningless blip of nothing. We've gone from the pathetically egocentric and geocentric model of existence to the opposite extreme; a coldly logical and nihilistic worldview that leaves us with nothing. Given that, neither view is likely to be correct. The answer instead must lie somewhere in the middle.

Logically, in any given set of data, there will be extremes. And so it stands to reason that despite our current abhorrence of the concept, some of us must in fact, be special. And given our current knowledge of infinite multiverse, it may be radical, but not unfair to say that we, as humans, are ALL special. So why are we so reluctant to be so?

If the naive are desperate to be special, the experienced are reluctant to be so for they alone bear the secret that every hero knows: it is the journey that makes the hero. Read some mythology. Read some science fiction. Read some fantasy. Find me a hero that had a happy life, who had everything laid out before them. Think of the popular heroes of our culture, line them up side by side, and tell me what common thread you find wound among them. Luke Skywalker, Harry Potter, Neo... all went through absolute hell to get where they were. There's a burden that comes with being special; it means you are destined to struggle with some serious shit. And that's what makes the hero. Every hero finds themselves faced with a choice. Their specialness, their destiny, is a given. It will not change or go away. The question is how they deal with it. Does the shit make them a villain or does the shit make them a hero?

We were born alone in this corner of the universe; a rare and special combination of just right in a solar system of just right in a universe of just right. Cosmically speaking, our entire species occupies a very awesome sweet spot. We, each of us, are one of the few (not only, but not many) occurrences of sentient aware beings in this science experiment. What are we going to do with it? Certainly our future is dubious as a species, but what of our future as individuals, for it is as individuals that we comprise this species. We were born, we are going to die. We are each unique. These are givens. What we do with those givens are up to us. So I ask, do you dare to be special? Do you have what it takes to confront yourself, to battle your demons and struggle with yourself until you find yourself at harmony with the universe, until you know your unique purpose? Do you have what it takes to embark upon the hero's journey, to stand out, to lift your species to greatness? Or are you a selfish villain, will you hamper the survival, the betterment, the greatness that is our potential, because all you are concerned with is yourself? Are you a villain? Or worse, are you a mindless nothing, giving your money, your support, your very existence to the villainy of selfishness?

Today is the day you make that decision. I made mine. What is yours?

2 comments|post comment

Bodhicharyavatara thoughts, snippet 1 [19 Feb 2010|12:10pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

there are no villains, only lost people who have not uncovered their inner wisdom.

4 comments|post comment

know thyself [15 Feb 2010|12:47am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

for years now I've made a habit out of scrutinizing myself and analyzing my flaws and weaknesses. I think I can honestly attribute this practice to the continued presence of Rhiannon in my life. at first this process required an external combustion source, harsh criticism by one of her priestesses. it was painful. and it got to be even more painful. once I was past the stage of being verbally told my flaws, I moved into the stage where painful events beyond my control revealed them to me. I began talking directly to Rhiannon, and her hand certainly felt quite heavy. but after every wound had healed I found myself more whole, as though an infection had been removed from me. and so I persisted. for certain the process is not entirely internal yet; the universe still prompts me to recognize the spots "I've missed", but it has become less painful. and this is as it should be; I am a crystal in the jeweler's hand, each step of the sandpaper is softer than the last.

like a crystal, although I am more beautiful in my polished state, polishing me does not remove my flaws; it refines them. to remove the flaws in a stone would be to remove what makes that stone different from another. rose quartz is actually the same thing as an amethyst. both are "impure" versions of a quartz, each infused with a different periodic element. if you removed that impurity, you would no longer have a rose quartz or an amethyst. likewise, it is our "flaws" that make us different from one another, that make us who we are instead of someone else. but our flaws need not be negatives that detract from our beauty, they can be refined to make us the best that we could be.

we are each reflections of the divine, and as such our flaws are not terrible things to destroyed, but challenges and strengths we have yet to uncover. we were born with these specific traits because that is what the universe needed. our specific combination of traits is perfectly suited to help ease the suffering of another part of the universe. we are born to be the antidote to another's pain. but if we do not examine ourselves, if we do not uncover these flaws and transform them from weaknesses into strengths, if we persist in lying to ourselves, we will be unready, unwilling and unable to help each other. this is why self-examination and honesty are necessary. as long as we are in denial about who we really are, we are unable to use that knowledge to make the world a better place. in doing so we deny our purpose, our destiny, our identity.

2 comments|post comment

new (old) art [10 Feb 2010|04:39pm]
[ mood | devious ]


Rabid Heirlooms
by ~girl-withagun on deviantART
2 comments|post comment

how to change the world and (really) mean it [02 Feb 2010|04:56am]
[ mood | determined ]

when I was in high school I hated all the career-path drama that filled senior days, the endless questions directed at sorting you into your box. no-one knows who they want to be at seventeen. well, almost no-one. even though my career aptitude test verified it as one of my top three careers, I didn't know how to say out-loud at that age, "I want to be a Priestess." but I did. I wanted to speak the truth, stand for what I believe in, help people, save the planet, change the world... I wanted to spend my life tirelessly pursuing the causes I believe in. back then I was most afraid to speak of this life path to authority figures because I had no idea where or how to start. there are no temples or colleges, no Avalon, no cushy housing on Capitoline hill. and so after a few years into adulthood I stopped thinking about my life path as a career or even possibility; I tried to forget. but a life-path is a life-path, and the Universe wasn't going to let me forget.

a decade later I find myself rushing head first into the life of an Artist. I have found the voice with which to speak my truth, the ideals for which I stand, the vehicle through which I will help people, save the planet, and change the world. and if I stand back and look at what I plan to do, what I already am now doing, I must admit to myself, this is my way of being a Priestess. no matter how long I wandered in confusion and tried to forget, this path is my destiny and it will not be denied. I am an Artist and Activist, a Warrior Woman, a Priestess, a Speaker of the Truth. I cannot not be these things. No matter who it offends, or how rude I am perceived to be, I will not and cannot stop speaking these things. the causes and ideas I serve are too precious and the risks to them too great for me to keep silent. I cannot continue to aid the privileged in their ignorance.

I will no longer apologize for my beliefs. I will no longer look the other way. if I see something that everyone else seems to be or is ignoring, I'm gonna call it out. if you don't like it, don't listen. but realize that this is who I am. this is not a phase. this is not going to change. if you don't like it, you don't like me; and in that case, what are you still doing here?

8 comments|post comment

you probably won't like this much [20 Jan 2010|12:50am]
[ mood | hopeful ]

I guess as anyone who is on FB knows, Chase Community Bank is giving away a cool million to a charity who wins the voting rounds. In general, this makes me feel pretty good about the world, hopeful that someone will be able to make a huge difference in the lives of others. In specific, it makes me sad to see how selfish a lot of the top charities are, especially the one currently ranked top in votes. Now, before I go any further, let me say that I support To Write Love On Her Arms. I think it's an excellent movement and deeply needed. As someone who was a chronic suicide attemptee and has many close friends deeply impacted by emotional and mental illnesses, abuse, self-injury, etc.... I get it, and I think it's a damn good thing. So please understand that when I say these things I am talking about myself, my family, my friends. It's not personal. It is what it is.trigger warningCollapse )

2 comments|post comment

life happens [04 Jan 2010|11:33pm]
[ mood | appologetic ]

I'm very sorry to everyone I had plans with. I know I talked to a lot of people about seeing them and spending time together this holiday season. I wish I had been doing that instead. Not very long after Christmas I was struck by a disgusting intestinal virus in a place where a)everyone else shares the same gene pool and germ pool and b) the wyrm taint is so high from all the toxins that my organic sometimes-vegetarian, filtered water and other hippy sh*t system was already in toxic shock. Then end result was an awful seven day ordeal. So if I said I was going to hang out with you... and I didn't, I'm sorry. I wish we had.... trust me, I do. But, as it turns out, I am very lucky that we didn't use any gas to go see anyone, because we would not have made it home because I still cannot get my paycheck.

So... I'm sorry... life happened, and I followed it's flow. I miss you terribly and hopefully next time things will work out otherwise. I'm sure I'll be back sometime soon. much love. <3

4 comments|post comment

the year of inertia [04 Jan 2010|04:50pm]
[ mood | aqueous ]

I have so many thoughts swirling in my head; it seems impossible to organize them. Tiny fireflies, they are realized fully for but a moment and then flutter out of worded reach.

Thoughts of the year to come, choices, decisions, commitments, realizations... bright with promise of transformation... they chime in the wind outside in a private language.

curiouser and curiouserCollapse )

2 comments|post comment

learn to love [28 Sep 2009|10:36pm]
[ mood | enlightened ]

In searching for the Tibetan script for a Tara mantra, I came across a profoundly disturbing website. It was filled with image after image of Tara, her mantras, etc. And it was dedicated solely to the praise and pursuit of anorexia. My first reaction was anger; how dare anyone use her name in such profanity. Then I felt sadness, for if anyone needs Tara it is this young woman. Both were my monkey brain trying to distract me from the truth. If anyone needs Tara, it is me.

Being drawn to Tara is not a sign of praise, it is a sign of desperately needing help. Those of us who are called to her are not good people. We posses a secret self hatred that drives us to create our own suffering in the most literal of ways. We cut, we starve, we pick, we binge, we purge. Tara is the Bodhisattva of curing self-hatred. (That is not to say that you must be these things to be called by her; she is a saviouress of many other things too.) Like Christ, she comes not for those good souls, but for we damned. She has set herself the impossible task of saving all women, and so she must stop that horrible sickness so common in women; the belief that we are bad beings, deserving of punishment, that we must force ourselves to be prefect.

Somewhere we forgot that, as women, we are each representations of the goddess, life-givers incarnate. We are each sacred in our own, as varied as the goddesses mankind has worshiped over time. We are not all Venus, nor should we try to be. Even the Romans knew that.

Modernity has taught us that we are flawed, removed from perfection and divinity; that we must be tamed, corseted and tied in order to be worthy of worship. But all this does is obscure the truth. In seeking false perfection, we betray ourselves and our sisters. What begins as hatred of self is projected outward. We learn to hate other women for the perfection they have that we do not. We all wander around brimming with jealousy and hatred of ourselves, of each other. Our daughters inherit our prejudice, they learn our private rituals of debasement. An entire generation of women are raised in perpetuation of this banality. We no longer need men to vilify, devalue or abuse us, we do this to ourselves.

This is why feminism has failed. We will never have equality until we can uplift each other. We will never be respected until we respect ourselves. Until our sons and brothers see us as strong, as beautiful, until we have regained our place as daughters of the goddess, we will still see our sisters suffering unspeakable things. Their burden is ours.

Tara comes to us to teach us to love again, to love ourselves, to love our sisters. We broken vessels are her emissaries; if we can learn to love ourselves, every woman can. Think of her when the urge to cut is strong, when you want to harm yourself so bad it hurts. Say her name, her mantra, cry out. She will make you strong. She will make me strong. Let today be the last day we rejoice in our own suffering, let today be the first day we save ourselves.

10 comments|post comment

reality is a cult of illusion [01 Sep 2009|05:58pm]
[ mood | enlightened ]

Look around you. Take a good look. Do you see someone you dislike, perhaps a stereotype of another society, one faction of a social group pitted against yours? It's easy to think you're enlightened, that you are an American, that you come from the most-forward thinking country on the planet, and are therefore on the front lines of tolerance in society. But that, my friend, is one giant lie told to you by your monkey brain to excuse the other things you say.

How many times have I heard a white person look around the room and then confide to his friends that though he is not a racist, that he is sick of white people being mistreated and accused of racism, that he is denied work in favour of affirmative action, that his life is so terrible because of everything the black people receive. Or the mexicans, because of course, they are the "new black." A really clever monkey brain will tell you that it is illegal immigrants who do all of this, not just one specific race or culture. Those of us who are smart enough to recognize these views as the hatred that they are also tend to think that if we aren't guilty of these... that we aren't guilty at all. Not so, our monkey brains are just more clever.

Look closer at yourself, you will find them. Are you a member of a subculture? Are you a geek, hippy, stoner, raver, goth, punk, emo, nerd, musician, artist, circus performer, freak? Do you identify with the odd, the uncanny, and generally everything disliked by mainstream society like the number 13, Halloween, black cats and witches? Are you a witch? Are you a Pagan? Do you actively seek to undermine the man? Do you hate those who represent his ways? Do middle class, blonde, tanned, perfect, hollywood, conservative, consumerist, capitalist, people piss you off? Did you hate cheerleaders in high school? Listen to yourself. When you go out in public, do you view these people the way you always did? Do you see it as us versus them? You are racist too. You hold hatred for a culture, for your fellow human beings. You spread anger, fear, hatred and misery in the world. Especially those of you enlightened enough to hear what I'm saying. If you pray, meditate, do yoga, or any other sort of esoteric process, you are more damaging to the world than a flock of racists when you have hatred in your heart. Your thoughts influence the world more strongly because you practice that.

When you walk out into the world with hatred, with the idea that someone else is making your life miserable, dragging you under, tearing you down... you are making it so. You are programming the universe to listen to your expectations. You are sending energy to your adversaries, emboldening them to attack you more. You are filling the world around you with negative energy and attracting very ugly things to you, no matter how noble you perceive your struggle to be.

Do you want a better life? Do you want to live in a better world? Do you pay lip service to world peace? Then get off your ass and do something about it. Go out in the world tomorrow and LOVE. Love every human being you come across, no matter what their culture, social status, career, appearance, anything. Pretend they are all your friends. Watch what happens.

11 comments|post comment

shades of Miss Neicy Nash [30 Aug 2009|05:49pm]
[ mood | pleased ]

we drove to Greensboro last night to pick up my check. had a little bit of family time and watched the cutest show - CTRL. (thought it did bother me the whole time that he was on a mac keyboard.)

we wound up hanging out with A2 and Kcat, which was simply awesome. it's always funny, in the end, who your closest friends turn out to be. and yet, it feels pretty perfect. I don't think I've ever found such an easy pace in a group of friends. it's always so novel to spend time together. we do the simplest mundane things, but they are always accompanied by wonderful conversation and an amazing energy flow. it's just so comfortable. I'm very thankful to be friends with them, I'd hate to miss our wonderful time together. in a perfect world, we could all be neighbours and do this more often.

2 comments|post comment

tao and zen [27 Aug 2009|10:51pm]
[ mood | amused ]

today's thought:

if you can't understand it, get up and walk around it.

4 comments|post comment

heresy and harlots [26 Aug 2009|09:05pm]
[ mood | enlightened ]

I mentioned to Ri the other day, that I have a strange scale inside my head that is only used to weigh the balance of things; some byproduct of Taoism I suppose. at any rate, certain things have struck me lately, certain "do nots." One of which is sex. Master Rinpoche was speaking of using one's body and acting in the service of other beings. pursuing anything for it's own end is delusion. pursuing anything for the comfort and well-being of others is altruism.

being in the sometimes awkward place of serving a death goddess, I'm well aware of unorthodox acts committed out of compassion - namely, killing. and thus it occurs to me that all acts can be performed out of compassion. somewhere I know, there is a sacred whore. I have done Her work before. I know other priestess who have too. I don't know why it's such a revelation, but I see Her in a new light now. a lot of which I am sure, I owe to Jacqueline Carey. but back to the holy whore.

somewhere in Okinawa, in the Philippines, in Thailand... and Amsterdam and Vegas I am sure, She walks the streets; a little young in body, lithe of figure, with the world's oldest eyes. She gives succor to the grieving, the loveless, the lost. She lurks in alleys and is receptacle of violence that one more schoolgirl might make it home unscathed. Her love is that profound.

and I think that is what frightened and angered me last night, and perhaps even contributed to my panic attack today. somewhere out there are priestesses, nuns, dryads, dakini (call them what you like) who serve Her will. in the most sacred of acts, somewhere there exists a woman strong enough to willingly be raped that another might not suffer.

1 comment|post comment

on love [19 Aug 2009|07:29pm]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

"Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence." - H.L. Mencken

I found this posted on facebook today, it was one of my friend's fortune cookies. It struck me as incredibly profound and wonderfully true, and very important. I've been thinking lately about what I learned from reading Herman Hesse's Siddhartha. What I took away from that book was that Buddha found enlightenment in the river. Which, aside from the Taoist thoughts I have about that particular detail, means that he found enlightenment in the middle path. He left both hedonism and asceticism to find his balance - in nature. I have interpreted this to mean, that there is a way to live life in harmony - in the middle path. What does this mean? What does this have to do with love?

Love is like food, sex, intoxicants, magic, relationships, etc. We glorify and define it along societal standards that tell us what love is, where we will find it and whom it will be with. All of these expectations are attachments to the constructed idea of love. And the post-modern American love at that. Remember, this is not Chinese love or medieval Gothic love or even Greek heroic love. It is NOT love at all, but rather an idea of what we think it should be. This is our imagination taking over reality and supplanting the truth with hurtful fantasies that we are addicted to. This is our imagination triumphing over our mind and reason. It is another sick generation of the monkey brain.

Does this mean we can't have love without also suffering? I don't think so. I think the issue is real love - compassion and caring for another human being while also being in full knowledge of them, especially their perceived flaws. As long as we truly see the people in our lives for who they are, as long as we don't expect them to live up to some Hollywood standard, we can have healthy productive relationships. But when we project those desires and demands for imaginary perfection onto another person, we hurt them. We hurt ourselves. They rebel, (and wouldn't we all) and then we get hurt and angry and lash out at them for failing to fulfill our expectations. True love is unconditional, without demands. It just is.

To attain a stable relationship, to have peace in love, we must be willing to work for the truth. We must see our loved ones as they truly are, and accept them for that. If we cannot do it - then we don't really love them. We just think we do.

8 comments|post comment

Don't embarass the Buddha! [15 Aug 2009|12:00am]
[ mood | enlightened ]

and other important dharma from Tsem Tulku Rinpoche.

Rinpoche, or the funny monk (as he is in my head) has some very profound dharma that I needed to hear. perhaps you do too?


2 comments|post comment

[04 Aug 2009|03:38pm]
[ mood | determined ]

I go through these places in my life that I like to call "cocoon phases." I feel like I'm waiting for something, stuck in limbo, on the edge of becoming something else, but not entirely sure what. I think it's taken me so long to realize it this time because I'm pretty aware of what the transformation is going to be. It's kind of... strange. I feel pretty detached from a lot of thing; my inner vision of the future is so clear that I really can't be bothered to care about things that aren't in that image. It may sound cold and unfeeling, but honestly it's a very soothing place to be. Sometimes I slip out of it, into instant anxiety and frustration. I've found looking at the after picture of my cocoon phase makes it better.

In sad news, my work was apparently left out of the magazine that the entire fucking rest of my area is in. Mary said we'll talk to the editor and figure out why. I can't help but feel disappointed and left out. Our program was featured in a national magazine's spotlight on education... and I'm a blip in the blub... some photo credits for my friends' work. X_X I know my piece was politically charged, but it seems pretty unfair for them to arbitrarily exclude me like that. And to think I was going to buy one to show Mom and Grams. ;_; Bah.

Had a lovely trip to the museum today. Those places are like church for me. And of course, I found the one Kwan-yin in the whole building. ^_^ I'm trying to take it as a gentle nod from the Universe... "sorry you didn't get published, but hang in there, you are in the right place and on the right track."

My spine... makes everything else hurt. My stomach, my ribs, my head... *sigh* I dream of days without pain. For now, back to packing.

Oh, and since everyone is on facebook these days, are you? I'm under Maya Preisler. look me up!

3 comments|post comment

new habits and old ideas [29 Jul 2009|12:39pm]
[ mood | amused ]

I finally gave into the lure of The Secret of Shambala and read it in one day. It was entirely perfect for my present; it tied together all the loose ends of insights I had been acquiring through outside sources. Reminding myself to follow coincidences has led to me reading a very interesting book, The Tao for Health and Longevity. It completes the picture even more-so than before. Sometimes I think the Universe must be incredibly frustrated with me for being so dense. It's only taken me over ten years to actually physically engage in Taoist practice. I swear, I can hear the "Nya Nya" that follows such a cosmic boot to the head (listen and learn)

post comment

navigation
[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]