absolutely frustrated with how long my final project supply order is taking. they said processed in one business day... who knows how long standard shipping will take. frakking order still is not processed yet (on business day three) AND final project is due next tuesday. frak me. how bloody annoying is it that I can't even read their faq or find out how to return things because they didn't bother to finish coding their webpage. I actually had to email the stupid bitches and ask them to cancel my order since they're taking so long. and now my final project plans are pretty much frakked. I am SO pissed.
"Maya's not evil! She's the mother of Buddha; how could that be evil?"
which might not be so funny, except that it was said rather loudly in the middle of an Indian restaurant to the most annoying person I've ever met. he asked if I knew Ganesha... to which I replied, "um, you'd think with a name like Maya that I would." and then he called me evil. I'm actually glad I was too busy grabbing flatbread from the buffet to hit him. his reply was: "oh, that's buddhist." and so I said, "oh, you mean the veil of illusion? illusion's not evil. it's what allows us to have a human existence. it's your attachment to it that's evil." after that, all the hindi customers deferred to me when I went to get food. it was definitely the weirdest experience ever.
I'd rather go to hell than be with people like you
[August 21, 2007]
[
mood
|
irritated
]
it's my fifth semester and I just finally had my first experience with the preachers. of course, when Ri and I politely refused their pamphlets (and she said she was Buddhist), one of them said... "Buddhist, why would you want to go to hell?" and I could not help but shout back as I was walking away, "I'd rather go to hell than be with people like you." which sadly, is pretty frakkin true. if I ever met a deity who told me they were the ultimate power in the universe and required absolute submission to their will and law, I would (attempt to) punch them, and then tell them to fuck off. I was raised that god had given us all the ability to tell right from wrong and to listen to my "still small" voice. so if I've lived a life by that voice, attempting to do what I believe is right, and that's not enough to stay out of hell - then personally, I'd rather be there. such a system would be inherently unfair. if god required complete unthinking submission then why did he a) give us the ability to tell right from wrong and b) give us free will? who exactly would I be able to trust to tell me right from wrong if I cannot trust my own moral compass? it really just breaks my brain.
the whole thing is like waking up one day to discover your parents have left you and your siblings alone in the house. each sibling says he or she has an instruction sheet they dictated from said parents, but since none of the instructions are actually in that parent's handwriting, you have no way to be sure. and of course, each sibling is shouting at the others and calling them a liar. call me crazy, but I'm the sort of kid who would just do my chores and generally be good in the hopes that even if I got it wrong, my parents wouldn't call me an idiot for letting myself be led around in the first place.
I say we just take all the hateful/extremist people in the world and dump them all in a compound in Antartica and let them fight it out there. because really, why should we have to suffer for their problems? they started this bullshit. let them figure it out somewhere where they can't infringe on the rest of us.
sometimes I find it incredibly frustrating to live in a world where I can't solve my problems at sword point. I know, that sounds rather asinine coming from someone who makes anti-war propaganda art. I never said I made sense. I just feel rather... confined. it's all very well and good to sign petitions, vote, make art, and generally attempt to effect social humanitarian change, but a very large part of me irrationally feels violence would be more effective.
I feel caught on the edge of something, trapped inexorably inside of some unseen half-cocoon; an egg cracked but unbroken. I feel like I've been kicking at the walls for far too long now. it scares me a little and frustrates me quite a lot. I just want to understand even a little of it.
practically speaking - I'm sure a large portion of this is directly related to school. I recognize the synchronicity of being in the right place to learn from people such as Mary Tuma (who is being hailed internationally as a leading expert in the very form of cutting edge art I wish to make) and Heather. I know Malena and Frances are incredibly important to my life. Mike and Shea were influential. Even Mori-sensei and Shoji-sensei continue to be people I am meant to interact with. but... and that should be BUT... UNCC drives me batshit insane. I hate the constant beaurocracy even within my own department. I hate the industrial district that surrounds it. I hate searching for frakking housing convenient to it. intellectually I recognize that all worthy things require struggle, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.
it's funny how when you lose one friend, four more appear. :) it's rather nice, actually. especially when you recover really close friends you lost touch with years ago.
Jess~ I seem to have lost your email. X_X if you read this, drop me a line?
Laidene~ just got your message... I'll call you tomorrow.
Kharma~ are we still wanting to hang out, cause I need to plan for it if so.
and randomly, NBC took down the free web episodes of Heroes since the dvds will be coming out in a week or two. damn them. now I'll just have to buy the series and force my friends to watch. heheh.
as if there was only one spot on the body that hurts like that. they ought to call them the funny bones (or the not-so-funny, fuck that hurts bones).
uncle chris and aunt brenny are here, which is pretty damn cool since I like them alot. bebop will also be here soon (what else is new). packing so many people into this house just sucks.
medicines which take away the wonder of being a chemical boy (ie: inducing regular female cycles) suck.
not finding a house yet also majorly sucks.
and so does insomnia. X_X
random question of the day: if you were a gamer and an artist and needed a new computer (and hated Vista) would you buy a pc or a mac? (ignore the price difference, considering the education discount offered by mac and their lovely payment plans)
absolutely disregard that horrible email I sent you. and in case you were wondering, yes - I am a complete moron. and I'm sorry for being such an unthinking idiot that I would blindly take the word of my friends without doing any research, and also for passing that stupidity on. feel free smack me. I deserve it. really nothing could top my complete and utter embarrassment and irritation with myself.
I decided I really miss the ability to go back and read where I was in my life based on my lj entries. somewhere between most of the people I know being on my friends list and moving to Charlotte, I stopped writing so much. I've given it some thought... and although it's one part busy-ness, it's also one part reluctance to discuss what's going on in my head.heart.life when it involves one or more of you. and I've decided that my desire to remember more of my life and have some sort of reflection and outlet outways those concerns. damn the torpedoes.
and so... in an attempt to post more often, here are some random and not-so-random thoughts.
I'm going to start building things as opposed to buying things. I'm tired of never having enough room or the right kind of storage solutions. so from now on, instead of rushing to fill the pockets of corporate america in a half-assed attempt to solve my problems, I'm going to ask myself if I can make it before I buy it.
I am tired of people not listening to me. now, for the most part, I have good communication with people in my life. but lately I've realized a disturbing trend in individuals to whom I am deeply attatched that devalue me. I'm tired of giving advice that's never taken. I'm tired of being completely disregarded. I'm tired of these people always chosing someone or something else over me, of being back-burner backup girl. fuck that. from now on, if I'm not a priority in your life, you are not a priority in mine. if you ignore me, I will ignore you. if this handful of people can't decide that I am important enough to be listened to, respected, and loved - then they are not important. it's time I showed myself some respect and started expecting others to treat me the way I want to be treated. I'm not going to allow people to hurt me in this manner any longer. it's just too much power to give them.
I hate it when people ruin things by pursuing me. why can't we just be friends? I've got so much stress in my life already that I really don't need to add to the complications by being involved. in the past I've gotten swallowed up in maelstroms of emotion and fucked-upness that pushed everything else in my life aside and left me gasping. that's not a good thing. I need to make non-stressfulness a priority in my life. I need to get my shit together and deal with being me before I can even contemplate being anything to anyone else. and I wish people would respect that. I hate losing friends and potential friends because their unending pursuit makes me so uncomfortable around them that it's just easier never to speak to them again. it sucks.
If you're talking to me online and I suddenly disappear, please don't be hurt. Our wireless currently sucks as much ass as it could - and it loves to randomly disconnect me (especially if I am doing anything remotely important). So, my apologies.
fanmixes rock my socks. I've found I love Placebo.
people from my past just keep on coming back. it's memories night at the Apollo. my best friend from forever ago (ie, the girl who made me embrace my nerdyness) and I have been talking again... and it's fantastic. I missed her so much.
I finally got in touch with johan-san. also good. I missed him too.
it's almost enough to fill me with a sense of well-being, despite the insurance industry's attempt to plow me under. damn the evil capitalist pigs. damn them.
at some point, I seriously plan on doing my own personal year in review thingy like I always do. when that point will be however - is anyone's guess. the only thing worse than being stuck here for the next eight or nine hours is how ill I feel today. I don't know if it's my body finally displaying the side effects of my oh-so-lovely every other day injections... or if I'm just genuinely sick. all I do know is, that I wonder how much they frown on people sleeping in their cars around here and that I need to find something to do until Ri gets out of her 11 oclock class. blech. byoki des. and damn these ghetto computers for not having asian language options installed when we have both mandarin and japanese classes at this school. stupid people.
It being the first Monday of the New Year, Ri, Dev, Whit, Kcat(I think) and I are heading down to Legends for some New Year fun. We would love to see you there.
Mr. Moore - I tried to call you and give you a heads up, but it seems I don't have the right number for you. That means I need it. Ahem.
Mr. Preston - you sir, should come out of your cave and drink with the rest of us.
I know it's Christmas... I know we all have a lot of problems right now; money problems, health problems, personal problems... and with that in mind... I wanted to share something with you that made me smile and cry... and gave me hope. for more info
the taoist and the buddhist in my head are having an argument. of course, the buddhist will eventually win. so although the taoist says we can never screw anything up so badly that it cannot be fixed the buddhist says...
each moment we experience is finite and temporary. a missed opportunity can never be recaptured. what might have been is gone forever. all that is left is to make the most of the now.
or in confucius speak: you cannot step in the same stream twice.
so I guess we'll never know now, will we?
I tell my self there's no sense in mourning things that never were; it's just another way to be addicted to my dukkha. I wish I was good about listening to me. I wish lots of silly things.
I can not stop myself from making a frak.ton of 3.09 unfinished business icons. I am such a damn shippy fangirl. damn you ron moore for making an addict of me. damn you for giving me an episode worth waiting three seasons for. must. stop. making icons. must. sleep. now.
Thank you for the absolutely wonderful people in my life. (You know who I mean). Please take care of them. They mean a lot to me.
Ever grateful, your friend, Maya
the madness at our walls
[December 02, 2006]
[
mood
|
weird
]
[
music
|
Fall Out Boy - Sugar We're Going Down Swinging
]
I wish I had the words for how I feel right now, or even the pictures. my head is in a very strange place. which sucks, because I have a fuckton of work to do. maybe soon there will be time to breathe, and sense to be made.
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